Young Simon
We knew Funskmith had limitations, we basically had played our first gig borrowing members of another band. No doubt that "experience" had them thinking their time in this premier pop outfit was over and done with. We needed a sticksman, and therefore a rehearsal space. I can't recall for sure how exactly we advertised for our new member but it might have been one of those hastily assembled A4 pages with some appealing blurb, promises we'd never keep up to, and little tear-offs with our parent's landline number on it. This was so looooong ago that mobile phones were not a thing. I know, hard to imagine.
But hey, it worked! We got contacted by a young man answering to the name of Simon Mateer. He was a drummer who seemed keen to join our merry band and made his way up to meet us in the pokey wee rehearsal room, ran by a (green tinged) bearded man called Shams. Shams was a very amiable fellow who would hand you the keys over and let you have the run of a grotty wee room ensconced in a red-bricked building under the Armagh Road bridge in Portadown. This was the place were dreams were going to come true. So up pops a strapping 6ft lad with curtains hair. He even has his own drum kit, which is really handy. Even handier is the fact he is able to transport this to gigs, because up until now, we could bung our gear into the back of Al's wee Fiesta.
After some rehearsals it appeared to us that we, with young Simon, were ready for our first gig together. This marvellous moment in history would take place in the Duke of York in Belfast. (More stories on this venue in later blogs and yes I will be bringing up that fecking Snow Patrol gig AGAIN!). Can't remember who we were on with but we were the first band on. Young Simon got himself a big old pint of beer and plopped it down in front of my newly acquired bass amp (I forgot to mention I was now playing my big brother's old rickety bass). The moment had come! We bounded up onto that stage, although now I think about it, the stage was actually at floor level in there. We plugged in our instruments and young Simon, clearly bursting with uncontrollable excitement at this point, plopped himself down on his stool. He reached for his sticks, raised his arms in the air Keith Moon style and whacked down hard on his snare, at the same time I decided to give my shitty bass an almighty twang. The one-two combination punch of sonic force sent a shockwave through the air. Young Simon's full pint glass exploded with a merciless flailing of shards of broken glass as icy cold beer ran like rivers across the stage engulfing leads and pedals. We had arrived!.... Just not entirely how we had planned. I can remember little else from that gig, other than I was so actively hammering my bass I cut my thumb open and dried blood remains in the little cut outs in that plectrum, the plectrum I used for all my recordings and gigs from that day forth. Which I still have. It's a bit smaller than it was then.
We also played a memorable gig with young Simon in Robinson's downstairs bar. It was the week before Christmas and the clientele were clearly of the office party variety. Perfect setting for our particular brand of angsty prototype grunge/indie/pop! After battering out a few of our future classics, a stocky wee barman appeared in front of me. "That'll do youse boys" he said before flipping a switch reducing my shitty bass hum to a quiet nothing. Young Simon was raging and wanted to fight all around him. Swiftly the pacifier in me managed to reduce the impending violence to just some frenetic cussing as we packed up our gear and made our way into the chilly night. All except Al, who found solace in several pints and a collective of over excitable admin girls. Win some, lose some!
You may be wondering why I kept referring to Simon as "young" Simon. Well, just before we played this gig, our intrepid new beats man had divulged the little nugget of information that he was only 14 years old! Unperturbed, we ploughed on regardless. The reason being that despite a tendency for being a wee bit on the wild side at times, Simon was a beautiful, lovely soul. We really liked him personally and he pretty much did what he was asked. For a control freak like me, this was a good situation. Some of you will know Simon, he went on to bigger and better things after we cruelly replaced him with a drum machine and sampler. As sound man in the Menagerie, he really lived up to that description, one of the soundest people you will meet. He's also helped many other fledgling acts by recording them at his studio.
I'll loop back round in my next blog to the time Funskmith found themselves in a PROPER recording studio, for the recording of the only two demos I ever made in a PROPER recording studio in all my time in music. Thanks for reading this one!
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